Daily Jokes 7/4/11

Posted by admin on July 4, 2011

Everyday I post monologue jokes from relevant daily news articles. Here are the jokes for today (always appreciate your feedback):

8 year old saves Grandmother’s life.

An eight year old Spokane Valley boy is being called a hero after saving his grandmother’s life. Brayden Lindor called 911 and performed CPR and medics say the CPR Brayden performed was the reason his grandmother got her pulse back. While she has her pulse back, word is out if she has her groove back, but they are thinking Stella might still have it.

Tourist boat capsizes off coast of Mexico.

U.S. and Mexican authorities were scouring the seas Monday for eight people — seven of them Americans — missing more than a day after their tourist boat capsized off the east coast of Mexico’s Baja California peninsula. They are having a hard time getting helicopters and rescue missions into the area, so they are thinking of implementing plan B: letting a few Cubans swim over to assess the damage and make the rescue. They are on shore in their trunks ready to be called upon.

Strauss-Kahn may face new sex charges in France.

Former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn may face new sexual assault charges in France this week, days after charges against him in New York appeared to be on shaky ground. After hearing news of this 2nd alleged rape, Kobe Bryant commented “Damn, he got his rape game on!”.

Mexico arrests Zetas leader

Mexican authorities said that they had arrested a Zetas drug cartel leader who was connected with the killing of a U.S. Immigrations agent this year. Federal police captured Jesus Enrique Rejon Aguilar, known as “El Mamito,” or ‘Mommy’ in English. They say he’ll just keep the nickname in prison because he’s definitely going to end up being some “Daddy’s” bitch.

FOX News twitter feed hacked.

Hackers apparently broke into the FoxNews.com’s Twitter feed for political news early Monday and used it to announce — falsely — that President Barack Obama had been assassinated. Not sure if it was the work of hackers, or if Glenn Beck just happened to remember the password.

Atheists explain flying flag campaign.

On the Fourth of July across the U.S., American Atheists are taking to skies with a flying banner ad campaign. They will be flying over busy holiday hot spots like beaches and parks with banners that read: “Atheism is Patriotic” and “God-LESS America.” I asked a few atheists what they thought about this and they all told me they didn’t believe it was happening, didn’t believe in it.

Man killed on amusement ride.

An Orlando amusement park is back open after one of its workers died while working on a ride Saturday. In other amusement park news -Six Flags in New Jersey, Vinny, got his fohawk caught in the ferris wheel lever shift and the ride had to stop for 35 minutes…be he seems to be ok, fohawk greased up and back to perfect.

Spoilers flood web after book ships early

As “Game of Thrones” author George R. R. Martin wrote  “Amazon Germany screwed up big time and started shipping “A Dance with Dragons” before they were supposed to. I am told that about 180 copies got out before they were made aware of their mistake and shut down shipping.” Martin’s continued: “If we find out who is responsible, we will mount his head on a spike.” Nerds all over the world are getting out their light sabers to help Martin find the culprits who posted the spoilers. Some are even dressing up as Darth Vader and Lord of the Rings Characters…one even Harry Potter.

Rebel leader: Gadhafi can stay in Libya

Libya’s rebel leader says he does not have a problem with Moammar Gadhafi remaining in the country, once he resigns and as long as he remains under supervision. He’s not sure how to supervise him, but talks are under way with Dr. Drew for fulltime supervision – to either rebuild Gadhafi’s image…or corrupt him even further.

Chord Overstreet is leaving ‘Glee’.

Chord Overstreet, who joined “Glee” last season as recurring guest star and transfer student Sam Evans, will not be a series regular for season three. Gays all over were upset for a minute, but then realized they could marry each other and forgot all about it.